Published: 10/17/2012 - Updated: 06/19/2016
They say that similar people attracts each other. But often your partner seems to be very different to us or the total opposite, i.e., he has different tastes, attitudes and ways of thinking. So what do we do with him? Does similar really people attract each other? Or will opposites mind attract even more?
No doubt the choice of the couple has to do with many factors. But the choice usually occurs in an unconscious way, which means you just feel the "crush" or attraction, illusion, inspiration or the desire to be with someone. And if the other person feels the same, then you start a relationship.
When our partner excites and inspires us, then it seems that everything is going great. Intimacy becomes a kind of complicity where the weaknesses and strengths of our partners help us, in a way, to understand, to comfort and to feel good with who we are and to love ourselves. But things can change from one moment to other, and the magic castle can destroy. What was beautiful suddenly can become something that doesn’t satisfy or please us anymore and often it’s not so easy to leave. Why?
Many psychologists have attempted to explain the complexity of the phenomenon of relationships. However, it may not be something as complex (unless we wish so, of course).
If we look at what we feel with our partner when we are in love, we note that there is a full and complete acceptance of him, i.e., we found everything beautiful in him, he seems to be perfect, everything is sweet, motivating and inspiring. This moment seems to be one of the most beautiful in a relationship. However, on the other hand, and although this may seem unromantic or cold to the reader, some interesting things happen in our head. Introduce this issue would be very deep and with an extension to write a whole book but, to simplify, we could say that when we feel the crush, there were a number of associations in the brain that trigger attraction. These associations are produced by the brain when you find someone who can give us something we wish to develop, take, capture, etc.., Someone with a potential or something had been looking during our life.
Here we can see three types of couples that we could attract and their explanation.
The couple "that complements me"
This type of partner is there to fill a gap that I couldn’t fill by myself. And I'm there to fill some kind of lack on him. This creates co-dependent relationships. For example: if a woman lacked admiration during childhood, then she may be attracted to man that admire her. But she won’t accept the admiration of a simple man; he has to be one that meets certain features to be worth the admiration. So perhaps she unconsciously would look for a man who has similar qualities to the person who didn’t give her the admiration being a girl. This person may be a father or an important figure for her. So she will search for a partner with similar traits. We don’t realize that, but suddenly something in our head tells us: "This is the right man". And we fell in love. We might not notice that "he looks like somebody". But love in brain biochemistry issues, has to do with this search. So we like somebody. Why? Because somehow that person finds the way to heal ourselves or our hearts; and fill ourselves with what we need. So then this couple, become someone that fills what we lack.
The ghost couple
There are people looking for “platonic” relationships, i.e., impossible or prohibited. When we fall in love with someone who doesn’t love us back or where the thing "cannot be made", it happens that we are living through an illusion of love. What illusion? The one of being loved. These people have a partner who they dream to be with, but often they do not really know how they are and if they could share a daily routine. They live with their “ghost” partner, perhaps because they fear intimacy, because the message they got since kids is that love is something distant or difficult to get, or that they were not worthy of being loved. So they seek to be reaffirmed by this illusion.
There are others who don’t seem to enjoy their relationships, or live in destructive relationships. What are they looking for? Perhaps "save" someone, i.e. understand their villain or villainess and be the "only" that understand accept them and try to rescue. But there is also an addiction to suffering, rejection and disapproval. The person may have learned this as a child because of both parents, and he or she has lived in rejection and disapproval, seeking constant approval, and searching "villains" couples as a way to overcome or conquer themselves.
What to do?
Whatever the attitude of your partner, we can summarize the relations not as a territory to conquer but to explore, learn what is we want to get from our partner because maybe that's what we have to learn to give to ourselves, in this way we will not have expectations, pain or vane illusions, and we can grow a lot with those we are attracted to at this time. Remember that happiness does not depend on the other people; it is something to be cultivated inside us. And one way to start is to love and accept ourselves as we are. And if you have love inside you ... Will you have to go to look for it? Maybe you just have to go out and share it.