Published: 04/18/2011 - Updated: 09/27/2018
Rude children, students that don’t pay attention, young people that do not want to do what you say or do the opposite, children who break rules and go beyond limits with ease. Do you know anyone like that? Do you have someone around who behaves like that you do not know what to do? Then you need to know a few secrets.
One of them is knowing that you cannot change any attitude in young people or children, if you don’t realize before that for every attitude there is a necessity. Many parents and teachers struggle most of the time trying to change the attitudes of their children or students, but they are not aware of what are the reasons for children to behave like that.
So first, we should study why a child or young person is rebellious, and there are many causes that fuel this behavior as:
1. Excessive authority: if you only speak to the child in imperative tone, i.e., in a tone of command like: "Do your homework!" "Do not hit your brother!" "Wash the dishes" "I do not want you to do it again", etc., then it is likely that the child starts to become rebellious. Why? Well, just imagine what you feel in that situation, for example, when someone only gives you orders, punish or scold you. How do you feel? Can you imagine that your boss only gives you orders and orders all day? Can you imagine that he only tells you what is wrong and always see the error? How would you feel? Maybe not very comfortable, and there will come a time when you feel saturated, and do not like working there anymore. Why? Because you may feel treated more as a machine or "programmed" robot than a human being who feels and thinks.
2. Lenient or permissive character: When a parent or teacher is very permissive, and easily forgive the children and doesn’t makes them see or suffer the effects of their actions, he and the child will feel very little value for things, which can generate two attitudes: one apathetic and uninterested character, or a rebellious nature. When a child or teenager has no limits, he/she may feel really frustrated, and giving kicks and scream will be the same as pulling a girl's hair or hitting a teacher, because he/she is not aware of the actions. Should he/she be punished? No. You should taught to be aware.
3. A "super intelligent" parent or teacher: This type of parents or teachers often feel better than the child or student, and instead of actually teaching the youth to transform weakness into strength, resolve and give it all with ease, not allowing them to think for themselves. This type of teachers or parents do and say things like, "Let me help you" "Let me tell you how to do it" "Have not I told you a thousand times how to do it?" "I told you"" You do not know""I do not think you're able to..." These statements have caused severe frustration in children and youth.
These three forms of education break three basic and fundamental aspirations of children and youth. These aspirations are:
- Thinking for themselves, be creative and feel smart. .
- Feeling useful and needed.
- Participate in decisions and creatively in the environment.
If these break aspirations, then there are chances we've got rebel children and adolescents. And the less they think by themselves, feel useful, creative and intelligent, the more they protest and get rid of all our orders, behaviors and avoid listening to our advice.
How to guide children and youth to a mature, conscious and intelligent character?
There are the basic rules:
Accept them as they are: one would think that if we accept someone like this, can only foster more bad behaviors. This is not true. Accepting someone with all its weaknesses is one of the most powerful signs of love. Accepting young people and children means that we will begin to guide them with no pretensions.
Listen carefully: Accept means to tell "come and tell me what you think, feel, and what bothers you and I will listen to you". Listen without judgments, without thinking that something is bad or good; help the youth to express their true feelings. When someone feels judged, closes the relationship, and do not want to found the weaknesses. So you just have to listen, avoiding participation, resolving or commenting before the time comes. Being listened makes the youth or others feel important, gives value to what they feel and think.
Help them to think and discern: one of the worst errors of education is the teacher or parent who feels that has to tell the child what to do, how to behave and how to think, and nothing more frustrating than this. Keep in mind that your mission as a guide is just one: turning weaknesses into strength. Your child brings a way of perceiving the world and eventually will decide what to choose and how to live life. You cannot always resolve all or tell what is best for his/her life. You can only help to form a strong, conscious and creative character. And for this, your best support is from the language guide, using questions such as “What do you think you could do about it?” “How can you solve it?” “What do you think your brother felt when you talked like that?” Avoid order, make them think and think and then teach them to be aware and feel that they can meet and participate in their decisions.
When they do something, always make them responsible for what they did: for example, if a child hits his little brother, do not just say "Stop hitting!" Tell: “How would you feel if I hit you?” And if, for example, the young person breaks a vase of a house, do not scold to make him feel guilty and miserable with punishment and words. Say, "Well, it’s now broken. Now you have to see how to solve this. What do you think we can do to repair the vase?" We must bear in mind that the most important thing is that the child or young person knows the value of their actions and give them solutions. In this way, we will make them responsible and aware of what they do, which would avoid judgments, punishments or bad words.
When you no longer guide their lives, and they decide how to live and learn to make decisions, you are helping to mature and become responsible. Even if they are late, you will not have to scold or punish them. You'll give a kiss and say good night, and tomorrow you will remember that they decided not to go the next time they want to go out. See? It’s not you problem anymore, but they must learn to make decisions and grow.
All these little details will help greatly to reduce rebel children or students, because they feel important, participatory and responsible in decisions.