Published: 04/25/2010 - Updated: 06/09/2017
Author: K. Laura Garcés G2 Comments
The embraces, caresses and looks are one of the most pleasurable experience to invite closeness to another human being, is a delight to feel embraced, cherished and under the light of deep and loving eyes. And yet, despite these actions might seem easy to implement, it’s not easy to express love for everybody, there are many people who cannot show their affection and seem cold and distant, and as they cannot embrace or approach in these ways, they attempt to compensate for this limitation with another way of expressing affection, as giving expensive gifts, or offering other support. There are, on the other hand, those who need some external stimulant such as alcohol, for example, to be free of ties and become close.
If you feel that you have trouble to get physically closer to the other and express love, or, conversely, feel that you are very affectionate and loving, but your partner is cold and distant like an iceberg, and want to melt this ice. Then you will have to follow a small journey of exploration and understanding of the cause that this shading your ability (or your partner’s) to feel the pleasure of the physical approach.
What is pleasure?
Pleasure is a natural human guidance, we seek pleasure from birth, and this search has continued throughout our lives. This is a natural condition of our human nature, because life is created, grows and changes because of that, underneath it all, this impulse to find a quiet pleasure.
The pleasure and freedom of expression
There are many ways to define what pleasure is, but we could summarize that, under all pleasure-seeking, is the need to feel freedom, the freedom to be what we want to be. Yes. One of the greatest pleasures of being human is to be loved as we are, without having to be anything in particular, without having to keep the composure or be subject to conditions, taxation, laws, opinions, fears, etc. Being loved for what one is is a major need, hardship and conflict for most people, some has this need further accentuated, especially those who, while growing, were constrained by their environment that one could only be loved if he did certain things, if not meeting the expectations or demands of those "out there" then he would find rejection, indifference, punishment or scolding. This type of conduct created the idea that love was something that should be "win".
Sexuality and pleasure
Sexuality is something that is associated with pleasure almost immediately. And much of what we learned about how to receive and give love as kids, strongly influences the way we live and experience sexuality and physical expressions of affection. Getting closer to another human being is not always easy because basically, there is often fear of being rejected or creating a situation that put us away. Moreover, there is the fear of "taking what we want of life”, we do not open the arms easily, do not soften the touch of hands or eyes, as we are on guard, defensive, with stiff shoulders, neck, hands and f joints (although often we do not notice it), cold, distant look, somehow all calculated, "We cannot lose control."
All these body postures rebel, basically, what has been learned from love: that it is a strategy, we must maintain the image and behave, you have to be and say certain things to be careful. What's in the background of these attitudes? The fear of showing what you really feel and are, because, among other things, this puts at risk the pain. The problem with all these body defenses, which are like armor for people who tend to be very rigid, inflexible and insensitive, do not allow them to fully enjoy or relationships with people or sexuality.
How to start being affectionate?
Trying to hug and caress, putting in your eyes what you really feel in the heart. How? Just trying. The problem when starting to hug, pat or put new feelings in your eyes is that when you have never done it, you can feel shyness, resistance, shame, ridicule-even anxiety. Why? First, because you try something new, whatever it is, it is always a challenge for the mind, which is accustomed to always operate under the same habits, knowledge and behavior, because that's what makes it feel safe. Second, because as explained, it is risking losing one and losing is not something that sounds attractive to many people.
However, if you do not try, you could never see as pleasurable sensations begin to release when you start stretching your arms, for example, to caress the cheek of someone, or how suddenly "grow" the heart when you hug someone you love. Why is there so much pleasure in these activities? Because in the embrace, the touch or honest, sincere and loving look, there is one of the strongest messages of unconditional acceptance. Both give and receive is to begin to connect the heart to the periphery of the body, and the body with the world, is a way to begin to engage in emotional contact with our surroundings
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One certainly could save many psychologists and even many diseases, if you would try to either embrace and caress with your the hands, eyes or heart every time, without a particular purpose, to overcome the barrier that might exist, knowing that the main gift is love for ourselves.
About the author
Loving is a really important matter in the whole human existence, but just like the article explains, love begins in the self, so you need to love yourself and find the confidence to search for someone else to share these feelings, being cold and distant can save you from many situations, but in the end, you would never feel a true love sensation is your whole body.
I am a very physicallly affectionate person, and I feel like I “require” a lot more physical affection than my fiance does. He’s a good sport and snuggles when I ask him to, but for the most part, it is very obvious how different people can be in regards to needing hugs and love. Maybe this comes from upbringing?