Published: 04/22/2013 - Updated: 06/17/2016
How many times have we tried to talk to our partner and we ended up arguing or fighting because we feel that she/he does not understand and hear us or has unclear arguments?
While we all do our best to communicate, rather we must recognize that we often fall in despair trying to feel understood, and when that does not happen, then we start pouring the conversation into a cold discussion where you could lose control and sometimes even you can build a cool distance in the relationship.
If this happened to you recently or often happens, do not worry, it is common between two people. When discussing, what we are really doing is trying to communicate something to our partner, usually something we do not like, and we should take into account certain points so that your communication can be much more fluid and effective, and your relationship can aggrandizement and deeper, rather than destroyed.
Key Points to communicate with your partner:
1. Have a clear idea: it is important that when you feel like telling your partner something you do not like, you should be clear, and you be very specific in what you say. Many times we feel fear or insecurity by telling our partner something that may disturb or hurt, but it is not convenient to keep it to yourself.
2. If you already have very clear the idea, you should consider how to raise it. While it is true that everyone has a unique way of saying things, it is true that the attitude with which you say is basic things to be heard. So observe well the following points.
3. Avoid talking while being angry, i.e. on the defensive or offensive mood: this is basic. If when you go to talk to your partner, you are caring too much about what he/she is going to say, or attack your partner because "behaved badly", then you are entering the ring to fight and not to talk. The first thing is to let your guard down, listen to your partner calmly and if you start hearing things that in your opinion are not true, do not respond by attacking or offending, as this would show insecurity and immaturity. It's best to listen to your partner with impersonal tone, i.e. don’t hook, listen to her/him and then calmly give your opinion. If something makes you feel very offended or angry, you can say it, but not attacking, just posing it, which is not the same.
4. If you are who claim, remember to be clear with the idea and do not try to educate the other, better share what you feel: if you're going to say something, skip the "master tone", i.e. do not try to tell the other how to behave or what to do. It’s best to just tell what you did not like or did feel about any particular behavior, and allow the other to share the opinion. If he or she asks you what they can do to remedy the issue, then you can suggest ideas, but only if they ask. If they do not ask, it is better to save your ideas and let the other person think about what you say.
5. The voice is important: you shouldn’t pretend your voice, but should understand that raising your voice only will make the other angry. If you are very angry or upset, it is best that you first relieve yourself alone, write what bother you about your partner and then discharge it by hitting a pillow. Once you do this, try to see what you also have to learn about it, because everything that happens to us, somehow provoke us to participate in that. Do not think that your partner is responsible for everything that happens, because that would make you the victim, and this is not a very dignified position.
6. Avoid creating barriers between you and your partner: this means that often appears a discussion and repeated claims that increase in tone, and then the two just complain about old situations and bad feelings. If you find yourself in one of these conversations, it is best that the frenzy and talk later propose as this will not go to anything constructive. In this case, the best is the silence, stay away a little of the situation and think that the claims do not lead to anything, so you'd better think about things.
7. When we complain much about the other, or are too angry about the attitude is that we are not very comfortable with something in our lives, the couple shouldn’t make us happy, we must find that peace and fulfillment in ourselves, the couple should have to be with us to share our joys and taste for living and learning, and not a place to put our own insecurities or discomfort.
8. If you feel that your partner is very angry or upset with you and is screaming or raising his/her voice, do not do this too, as this only illuminate the situation. Listen as they talk with their tone and volume. If you feel very angry because he/she shout or raise the voice, it's best to apply the step 6, propose to avoid barriers.
9. Before you start or restart a conversation, the most important thing is to think if you really accept your partner as he/she is. If your intention is to just switch to another "because this is wrong", then perhaps you should think well if that partner is really the one you want, especially if you think that is "bad" repeatedly. In this case, apply the step 7, i.e. see yourself better and learn more from you.